All aboard!

An introductory post

I decided to write about self-help because I’m deeply invested in my personal growth, and find it endlessly fascinating (among many other things). As it turns out, others feel the same. In fact, people are into personal growth. If it were a physical item, Target would be out of it.

How do we seek out growth?

Well, there’s life coaches, therapists, psychiatrists, mentors, spiritual retreats, ‘wellness’ practices, pop psychology, psychedelic mushrooms, prescription medication and my favorite... self-help stuff.

I'm talking books, podcasts, Ted talks, Instagram accounts, online communities, the works.

Why has self-help grown so popular these days?

I have this theory that is going off of another theory of Esther Perel's, a brilliant psychotherapist and writer.

Perel explains how modern romantic relationships carry the burden of expectations more than ever before. According to her, this is because in the olden days, people got their spiritual, emotional and friendship needs met through their local village people and religion, not just through their partner. Their partner satisfied only the basic survival needs: shelter, food, clothing, extending the bloodline, etc.

But now? People don't go to the church/temple/mosque, they live far away from their families and they're working all the time, so they struggle to build meaningful community. As a result, they over-rely on their partner to play all of these roles just for them.

Esther Perel is getting at this absence- a yearning to fill our many needs, as depicted on the “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” model.

She thinks we're putting it on our partners to fill, and yeah, we probably are. But I think for some of us, we're also trying to get these needs met through another singular person: an idealized self.

The thinking might go: If I'm a better version of myself, then I'll get all of these important needs met. I'll know how to have more meaningful friendships, feel spiritually connected to the universe/ a higher power, have healthy, sexy relationship(s), make more money, etc.

Translation: the ‘better’ I become, the more likely I'll have a better quality of life.

Or another way could go: if I'm better, then I won't have these needs anymore. I'll be less screwed up and vulnerable and human. All because... I read this Tony Robbins book that was on sale at Barnes and Noble.

While I tend towards the first thinking, I've held both of these beliefs.

In this newsletter, I'm taking self-help, this modern 'solution' to our fulfilling our needs, and I'm holding it up, in all its garbage and glory, and asking what are the ways it's actually impacting individual lives and our world?

I'm asking this because I'm the kind of person who's always seeking a better version of myself, and therefore I'm perpetually riding the self-help train. I want the advice that helps turn myself and other folks into the best versions of ourselves- not just for the benefit of our selves, but for the world.

I believe that our world needs self-aware, reflective people who are capable of growth, to solve humanity’s many issues.

I also don't want to accept advice that's actually nonsense or perpetuates systems of oppression because I’m too wrapped up in becoming someone I'll never be. I don't want people to equate personal growth with the perfect life that some self-help gurus are promising them, and then give up on themselves when it doesn't happen.

I'm craving authenticity in a subculture that's constantly adding b.s. to its repertoire. I know there's guidance out there that can help people genuinely transform their lives. I’ve experienced it for myself.

My goal is to put on a metaphorical trenchcoat and take out my metaphorical magnifying glass, sneak into the world of self-help culture, and find what's worth listening to ( or at least get closer to it). My other goal is to share my own stories in the hopes that you'll feel less alone when the shiny veneer of your own journey inevitably cracks at times.

To my fellow passengers on the self-help train, I'm inviting you to don your own metaphorical detective ware of choice, and join me on this adventure. At the risk of sounding like a Mr.Rogers wannabe: let's grow better together.